~~I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me.~~
~Song of Solomon 7:10~
I have a plaque hanging on my living room wall above my fireplace that says "All because two people fell in love..." Everything in my house exists because two people fell in love, but especially my children. I heard something tonight that I thought very profound. There is no exact quote, but the basic thought was this: Pro-choice people need Roe v. Wade to validate their "belief" that abortion is okay because, deep down, they are uncomfortable with their stand on abortion. Deep down they know that abortion is wrong and immoral.
As a mother of seven who has lost one child due to miscarriage (my eighth child is waiting for me in heaven), my very being is rocked every time I hear someone say that abortion is an acceptable choice in any situation. Life is precious. God opens and closes the womb. Any time we see childbirth in the Bible, God is blessing someone. He is giving us a precious gift each time He allows us to have another child.
I remember the day that I lost my precious little baby. It was February 2nd, 2004. It was the last day I nursed Lauren, who was then 14 months old. I remember that I had been waiting to see if I was going to keep the baby or lose the baby. We had been communicating with my midwife via phone calls. She had me order some herbs to take. She said that the herbs would help things go the direction that they were supposed to go. If I were going to keep the baby, they would help. If I were going to lose the baby, they would also help that along. I had taken my first dose of those herbs. Within hours, we knew our precious little one had already gone to heaven.
I remember that I did not realize that having a miscarriage was exactly like having a baby. The pains were all the same; they just didn't last nearly as long. I remember that my husband stayed home from work to help me. I remember that he caught that little one in his hands. I remember looking at my little baby that didn't even really look like a baby yet. There were little arms and legs, though. I remember that Chad asked me, after an hour or so, if he could flush the baby down the toilet. I said yes.
I remember that I had to go to the hospital because, after 8 hours, I was still bleeding very heavily. I could not even walk to the bathroom by myself because I was so faint. I remember that the doctor was very kind and tried not to do a D and C. I remember that he found a second sac in my uterus. I remember waking up after the procedure with a warm blanket covering me.
I remember being upset with my husband for not feeling as hurt as I did about the entire experience. I remember feeling a little numb inside.
Almost two weeks after the miscarriage, I flew with my husband to Fort Dodge, Iowa to attned a spiritual warfare conference at Harvest Baptist Church where Marvin Smith is the pastor. Chad and I had spent some time with Pastor Smith before, so he called us into his office to chitchat. At that time, I expressed to him what a hard time I was having with the miscarriage. He and his wife talked to me for some time and helped me a great deal, but the thing that helped me the most was a prayer that Brother Smith led me in. It went something like this:
I am grieving the loss of my baby. I know that you have a divine plan for my life, and I am trusting You, but it hurts. Right now, I take my baby in my arms and hand it to You. Please take good care of my baby until I can come and see him.
Those were not the exact words, but the idea is right. The thing that I had to do was to stop seeing the miscarriage as something that had happened in my past. I had to take my baby from my past and put it into my future. When I did that, my heart began to heal.
It still hurts today, several years later. As I am typing this, I am crying. However, when I think of my precious little one now, I always think that he or she is waiting for me in heaven! I knew that in my head before, but I couldn't get my heart to feel it until I actually took mybaby in my arms and handed him or her to God.
I am so thankful for a husband who was willing to get me the help I needed at that time in my life. All because two people fell in love...there is a little one waiting for me in heaven. A little one I will be able to look in the eye and say, "I wanted you so badly, but God saw differently."
Thank you for reading my story. Feel free to pass it along if you think it could help someone in your life.